The cold out there
by Misura
Summary: Crawford muses on when he and Nagi first met. [Crawford/Nagi][finished]
1. One

The cold out there

Warnings/notes : Crawford x Nagi, Crawford pov. All references to Nagi's past are based on fanfiction I read and my own imagination ; if Nagi has an official past I don't know it.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz.

written at 11th march 2003, by Misura

Apologies to those who have read this before ; this chapter was posted a little while ago as well, only it got lost.

At one point of the story I will use the word 'okashi' which is supposed to mean 'small, sweet pastries'.

**********

I'm surprised at how much I still remember about him. 

Other things seem to fade with the passing of time, but memories of him only grow stronger.

It's odd really.

I do not consider the earliest things we shared happy ones.

Neither does he.

Whenever I bring up the subject of his past, he looks away.

'I don't want to talk about that.' he will say.

Or 'That's behind me now.'

But it isn't. I can see in his eyes he can't forget the past, that it haunts him like an ugly ghost.

An ugly ghost he keeps running from.

Sometimes he wakes screaming from a nightmare and I know he hasn't dreamt about something his imagination cooked up after reading a book or watching a movie.

Nagi's nightmares are of the worst kind.

Because they were his reality in the past.

Other people find comfort in the thought their dreams can never actually happen.

Nagi can't.

And maybe it's in part my fault.

I'm not the sort of person to take the blame upon myself for something I had nothing to do with.

Yet I'm not sure if I'm completely innocent in this.

****** 

The first time I noticed you, it was winter.

You were standing outside on the street, looking very cold.

Cold as in 'about to freeze' not cold as in 'not giving a damn about the world'.

That second attitude came only later, after I had 'saved' you.

You say I rescued you. That it's not my fault you prefer to show everyone else your cold mask.

'You look very cold.' I said as I walked over to you.

I can't remember what kind of neighborhood it was, or why I was there.

I do remember you backed away from me, like some scared animal.

A fluffy, cute animal, abused by its owners.

I should have gotten you from there sooner, instead of doing what I did.

'Would you like to go and drink a cup of something hot somewhere?'

You nodded, looking at me with still a hint of suspicion in your eyes.

They were still wide and open then.

Why didn't I act to preserve that openness at that moment?

I had never been in that part of town before, but you knew a nice little place where they served all kinds of drinks, as well as small snacks.

I bought you a cup of hot chocolate and a plate of okashi.

You devoured them like you hadn't eaten in days.

The waiter who brought me my second cup of coffee frowned at your table-manners.

I smiled at him and murmured something about 'a youth in his growing period'.

I hate myself for that now.

Back then, though, it was just a convenient lie to smooth over an embarrassing situation.

You thanked me, just before I left.

Because only then you could really allow yourself to believe I would go without hurting you.

Without demanding payment for anything.

I didn't even look back when I left you.

~tbc~


	2. Two

The cold out there

Warnings/notes : Crawford x Nagi, Crawford pov. All references to Nagi's past are based on fanfiction I read and my own imagination ; if Nagi has an official past I don't know it.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz.

written at 11th march 2003, by Misura

**********

The second time I saw you, I realized I didn't even know your name.

You hadn't told me and I hadn't asked for it.

The only words you had spoken to me were those to thank me for leaving you alone.

That was what you meant by them anyway, though superficially you just thanked a kind stranger for buying you hot chocolate and okashi.

Even then you had already learned to deceive.

I saw you standing on the corner of a street, looking lost.

Maybe it was part of your act, to always look like a lost, innocent child while in reality you were a child who had lost its innocence.

Or maybe it just slipped away, bit by bit, untill one day you woke up without it.

I was in a familiar neighborhood this time.

And I was there for business.

I knew that if I stopped to talk to you, it would mean I'd have to explain to my appointment why it hadn't been possible for me to be on time.

Yet the thought of passing you by without a word didn't even cross my mind.

'Good day.' I said.

You didn't look very happy to see me again.

'Would you like to go and have a drink with me again? I know a very nice place around here.'

You shook your head to indicate you couldn't come or didn't want to.

That second option only crossed my mind when I looked back on the event.

'Why not?' I asked reasonably.

'I have to wait for someone.' Your soft voice told me.

'He doesn't seem to be here yet.' I pointed out.

You smiled softly. I swear that even now I don't know what I did to deserve your smile, but you gave it to me that day and I never forgot it.

'So, will you come with me? It won't be long, I promise.'

You nodded.

I ordered hot chocolate and cherry-pie for you that day.

There was whipped cream on your face when you finished your drink.

You licked it away, smiling at me again.

'That was the best hot chocolate I ever tasted' 

I returned the smile. 

Looking back, we seemed to be smiling quite a lot.

At some point in time we stopped doing it, but I can't recall when. 

'I am glad to hear you enjoyed it.' I replied.

'I should go back now' you said, not rising.

'And I'm going to be late for my appointment' I said, remaining seated as well.

Moments passed, and the lecture I was going to get grew every minute I stayed.

Finally I rose.

You jumped up quickly.

'I hope I will see you again.' I said. 

I did and it seemed right to say that.

When did I stop saying what felt right to say and started saying only things I knew would be right to say? The persons we are now would never have done and said the things we did back then.

No gain without a loss.

'So do I' you replied.

It was only later that night that I discovered I still had no name to put on your face.

I did not see you again that winter, though I tried to find you.

I should have tried harder.

I should have asked your name.

But I didn't.

It's all my fault.

~tbc~


	3. Three

The cold out there

Warnings/notes : Crawford x Nagi, Crawford pov. All references to Nagi's past are based on fanfiction I read and my own imagination ; if Nagi has an official past I don't know it.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz.

written at 11th march 2003, by Misura

**********

I did not see you again until over a year later.

When I hadn't been able to find you that winter, I gave up looking for you.

The outside world was convinced I had gotten over my sudden irrational interest in a young man I even didn't know the name of.

But inside, I was dying bit by bit with every passing day.

Or maybe I should say a part of me was.

The good part. 

By the end of spring, when the flowers showed their beauty, I sat in my office again, working.

And the clear blue sky reminded me of your eyes.

Everything made me think of you.

I started looking for you again, more intently this time.

The summer was hot and beautiful.

I didn't notice it.

I saw couples walking in the park, eating icecream.

And I wished it would be you and me.

I visited places I had never seen before.

Some of them would have shocked the person I was once, I think.

All I could think of was finding you.

Because I needed to see you again.

Though you were in my mind always, my motivations were purely egoistic.

The person you were once would have denied that.

I sought for you in every place I could think of.

The leaves at the trees in the park turned yellow and started to fall down.

It became autumn and I still hadn't discovered the slightest trace of you.

After a long day of work I found a report in my mailbox.

It congratulated me on my 'impressive progress in working capacity and attitude'.

It told me that because of my 'high efficiency and sharpness of strategic thinking' I would get a promotion as well as some extra time off.

That evening when I looked into the mirror I realized what had started that spring.

I began to hate the person looking back at me.

I burned the letter.

And I wrote back to say I had no desire for any time off.

They didn't say anything about it, but I could tell they were pleased.

Pleased to see I had gotten over you, perhaps.

I still don't know for sure if what happened was in part their doing.

I don't even know if they knew I had been seeing you.

It had just been those two times after all.

It's tempting to put all the guilt on their shoulders.

To think they knew everything about me, down to the feelings I even hadn't reocgnized to myself, because they did not fit into the image I had created for myself.

To think they knew what that year would do to me.

The old me would have hated them.

That part of me died, though.

I buried it in the winter that followed that autumn, in the cold snow.

At times I still visit the grave.

I put flowers on it.

Though I don't know why I care.

No loss without a gain.

The winter was very cold that year.

But I didn't feel it anymore. I too was cold.

~tbc~


	4. Four

The cold out there

Warnings/notes : Crawford x Nagi, Crawford pov. All references to Nagi's past are based on fanfiction I read and my own imagination ; if Nagi has an official past I don't know it.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz.

written at 11th march 2003, by Misura

**********

Winter passed slowly.

People celebrated Christmas and gave eachother presents.

I got one card.

It burned in the bonfires.

Cups of hot chocolate were handed out.

I managed to refuse mine politely. It reminded me of you too much.

My mask was in place already, but it came dangerously close to cracking that day.

I started looking for you again, very discreetly this time.

A computer can be used for a great many things.

That mine was probably bugged was a handicap easily overcome by buying a new one and making sure nobody came near to it or suspected the computer on my desk wasn't the same as the computer that had been standing there when I first entered this office.

I found nothing.

I was surprised at the frustration I felt at that.

Not to know where you were hurt me in a way I had thought no longer possible.

My work even started to suffer a little.

Not that I cared.

A new letter in my mailbox told me I would be sent to another city for about six months.

It would mean I would have to postpone my search for nearly half a year.

At first I wanted to refuse.

I looked in the mirror and decided to go.

I told myself I didn't care anymore.

I was not looking for you when we met again.

You told me you didn't believe that, that I must have known I would find you there.

It was a snowy day, like the first time.

It was an unfamiliar place, like the first time.

You were looking lost, like the second time.

When you saw me, you smiled, like the second time.

Only there was something different.

Your eyes didn't smile anymore.

Their blue wasn't the color of a summersky anymore.

They wore the color of the hardest ice. 

Third time's the charm, they say, the liars.

'I had not expected to see you here.' I said.

'No.' you replied. 'But I'm glad we finally meet again.'

'I have been looking for you.' I added.

'Oh?'

'Without any success.'

I wanted you to know how I missed you.

The part of me that had been dying for so long now was ready to come back to life.

All it would have taken were some words from your lips.

Instead, you said : 'I don't believe you.'

Before that, maybe I hadn't really noted the changes.

Or I had dismissed them as new parts of your act, something for strangers.

I was a stranger to you.

'Do you have a place to stay already?' I asked.

You were surprised at the question I think.

'No. I came here with someone else but he kicked me out.'

'You can stay at my place, if you want to.' I offered.

You nodded your acceptance.

I left a part of me in the snow that day.

At the time I told myself I was only interested in what you could become, in what you could do and not anymore in what you had been.

I know that was a lie.

As much a lie as my visits to the grave of my better self.

Because it still lives inside of me.

I love you.

I failed you, but I never lied to you.

Please tell me something of the boy I treated to hot chocolate still lives in you.

I need him.

I need you.

~tbc~


	5. Five

The cold out there

Warnings/notes : Crawford x Nagi, Crawford pov. All references to Nagi's past are based on fanfiction I read and my own imagination ; if Nagi has an official past I don't know it.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz.

written at 11th march 2003, by Misura

**********

"Nagi?" I ask, all the memories still dancing around in my head.

We are more or less alone, since Schuldich has gone out.

"Yes?" He looks up.

"How are things going at school?"

"Fine." He turns his head away, as if disappointed by the question.

"Are your classmates nice?"

The question may sound easy to an ignorant listener.

I happen to know the kids in Nagi's class are pestering him about all day long.

Because he's different and like all children, they know that by instinct.

He knows I know about them.

What I ask is : 'Will you lie to me if I ask you my real question?'.

He sighs. "No. Not really."

And he looks at me again.

His eyes are the color of a sky in spring.

There's a promise of summer in them, but also a reminder of winter.

I find I can say : "I loved you, in the year we first met."

His mouth curves a bit, in an almost-smile.

"I loved you too."

"And now?"

The question.

"Things are different now."

The answer.

I couldn't, shouldn't have expected anything else.

It's all my own fault.

"But I still love you."

His voice is so soft it's barely audible.

There's sadness in his eyes.

"I will always keep loving you."

He walks over to me, and maybe this is actually the first time he ever came to me instead of the other way around. In all our three meetings I always approached him.

"You are the only weakness I have left."

I realize I still haven't said anything. 

"Nagi....would you like to go and drink some hot chocolate? I know a very nice, quiet place."

I find that in the end I can't say the actual words.

He nods.

And the summer is in his eyes, in the middle of winter.

*****

There are still things we never talk about.

It doesn't really matter.

We both know the other one will bring it up when he's ready for it.

One day I will tell Nagi I love him.

One day he will tell me what happened to him in that year I lost sight of him.

Until those days we are more than content with what we have.

Eachother.

And we will allow no one to take that away from us ever again.

~OWARI~


End file.
